We told Liv she would likely loose her beautiful golden hair. We didn’t say it that way of course J but said it would likely thin out and maybe it might all fall out. We discussed fun wig options or bandanas and scarves and tattoos and how creative we could be with it all.  She cried, and cried, and accepted it by being a big girl, and then cried some more.  DaddyMax explained the science behind it and how the Chemo attacks growing cells and hair is rapidly growing so it is affected as well. It broke my mommy heart in two pieces to see her cry and I wish I could shave my head so she won’t have to.  Fuck Cancer.

We had mommy and Liv day Saturday and it was awesome.  Jet and Max had an ALL day soccer tournament (thank you DaddyMax!) and I was secretly happy I didn’t have to join in this one ;-) Also felt slightly guilty about it. Ugh so many emotions.

We went to Scripps Aquarium which was her choice.  She loves the sardines in the front entrance and the super big eels that are sorta scary. We saw a huge turtle and tiny sea horses and a few new exhibits we both loved.  We took some fun photos and then of course ended up in the gift shop where we got new socks for Max and a dissolving egg for Jet and a pretty starfish necklace for Blu. We then had smoothies and just talked. She put her tiny hand on mine and said “Mommy, I’m actually really scared” to which I choked back my instant gush of tears and told my sweet baby girl “I’m scared too…but it WILL be ok” Rip my heart out.  She then asked some questions about whether kids would make fun of her with no hair, and would she see any of her friends and more importantly would the Chemo hurt.  So much to take in for such a sweet baby girl. I’ve never been more angry and frustrated and pissed that I can’t fix this for her. I’ve been a mess for the entire weekend and I’m having a really hard time holding it together because Chemo starts Friday and while Max always thinks positive and rolls with things, I get pissed because I want to fix it and I simply can’t.

Sunday Liv wanted ‘Daddy and Liv day’ so Max being Max took her to Cool Creations for ceramic art painting and ice cream. Jet got to hang with Damma (my mom) and get spoiled rotten after his soccer game. They had a blast and both kids got full attention and love and hopefully their little tanks are full with love and confidence for the week ahead.

My sister in law, Erica called and finally having someone who supports me to no end and never judges and just accepts me,  I came undone and I lost it. I cried and ranted on the phone to her for a solid 45 minutes. She listened and comforted me and helped me understand I am doing all I can and its ok to just unload once in awhile. God bless her because I feel a thousand times better. Sometimes you just need a good hard cry.  (right K. Wood?)

I am thankful I have that outlet and know Max needs it too although I think harder for men.

Our friend Frank stopped by and even after a really long, really emotional day it was a nice break for Max to hang with a buddy. Frank is an excellent photographer and sent me a photo while we were in the hospital of a flower with a tiny, tiny egg on it. I showed it to little blu and she instantly said “is it a butterfly egg?”  Well tonight Frank showed up with it printed on a super cool metal frame. It will hang in her room forever J

We are so thankful for our neighbors (Brianna and Kris came to the rescue with some shopping I needed to do, and pizza and even made smores which Jet and Liv got to enjoy) We are so blessed with so many people who care so as I head to bed bone tired and very, very, weepy (that time of the month must be coming soon because I am a mess) I am happy and filled with love from everyone who has made the effort to send notes, cards, food, donations to Liv’s GoFundMe page and just be present when needed.  Thank you all. 

Liv is enjoying all her art supplies people sent :-) 

 Off to bed..... xoxoxoxo Carlie