Chemo Day 1 - The Stress is Real But We Will Deal :)

Sorry for the delay in getting an update together.  We wanted to put together a preemptive post last night but there was just way too much going on to make it happen :)  We spent yesterday afternoon surrounded by love from Carlie's friends from high school who had already planned a visit months prior as an impromptu reunion.  Obviously plans for Carlie had to change but her girlfriends made the trip anyway and it turned out to be such a comfort for Carlie.  Sam made her famous taco's while the adults sat around and laughed and the kids in the neighborhood played until the sun went down.

So, while we couldn't get an update out yesterday... the distraction was necessary and the result is a more real-time update.


The day started with tears and trepidation as the stress became very real when we applied the numbing cream to the skin around Blu's port.  I think it brought back all of those not so pleasant memories from being in the hospital and she realized we were going back to the place where those memories were created.  Liv and I sat at the end of our bed and talked out our feelings.  Our heart was feeling afraid.  Liv expressed that she was scared that it was going to hurt when they accessed her port.  We talked about how feeling that fear is totalllllly ok and normal, and the important thing is that we will be together through the whole thing.  The fear receded for the moment.

We arrived at 8:00am packed with our fuzzy blankets, lotions, lip balms, water, and more art supplies than Blick's!  Blu and I had another little pep talk...

To which she responded....

We were finally called back and we started with the basics of height and weight....

Then we were shown to our "room" to wait for the next, and most stressful step, accessing the port.  They recommended that I sit on the bed with her to hold her still when they insert the port.  It's essentially like getting her ears pierced but with a lot less pain thanks to the numbing cream.  But the anticipation was really difficult for her to bear....

But the nurse was a PRO and once we got the port accessed life became MUCH better because she had conquered her biggest fear.  It was only a few moments later that mom and Blu were figuring out which little piggy went to town and what exactly they went to town for... the most popular items were  chocolate ice cream and Chardonnay.

I've been trying to help Liv develop the ability to prepare herself for these visits.  I've started to plant the seeds that, while she will still feel the pain, she will get reallllllly good at handling it.  The biggest hurdle we had to get over was the first experience/day one and each time after that it will be easier and easier.  So, after the tears were wiped away and the fear was officially gone I asked her, "On a scale from 1-10, with 10 being you nearly died and 1 being it felt like somebody was blowing on your neck, how bad did it hurt?"  She said, "Mmmm I'd say a 3."  I call that a success!  I'm sure she'll have several more moments as we go through this but we'll equip her with all the resources we can to help her cope at every turn :)

UPDATE | 11:30am :  Just as I was about to publish this post, they walked in to start the chemo and we're told that we may be finished and on our way home within the hour.  The next steps will be to get through her reaction to the treatment.  We'll update as soon as possible :)

UPDATE | 12:08pm : Listening to the churning and clicking of the IV machine as it began to pump the chemo into little Liv Blu's body proved way more unsettling than I anticipated.  I feel like I've handled most of the post-op pain, and hoses, and tears fairly well but something washed over me when I heard the sound of that machine.  It was as if I could physically feel the serum entering her body.  The scene was such a dichotomy of sweet innocence of life and the vile toxins whose sole purpose and existence is destruction.  It's times like these that I think the ignorance and innocence of the child is better than the experience and knowledge of the adult.

Amazingly we're already done.  When they removed the access needle from Blu's port she looked up at me and said, "So that was basically a 0 on the scale."  Thank god!  She experienced some warmth after disconnecting, which is normal apparently, and was treated with an ice pack (which I was instructed to hold in place while she finished painting the rainbow that she had been working on.)  Once the nurse had left, and while still painting her rainbow, Blu said, "Actually that was pretty easy."  Carlie and I just looked at each other with such relief.

Of course that's how she feels now.  The next 24-48hrs will be telling.  One hour at a time :)

- Max